Last updated 6/18/09

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

On Aliens

So although I may not be able to play it for quite some time due to my current shortage of a good computer, Spore is a game that I've given some thought to and will really enjoy playing. Basically the premise is that you get to create an alien creature and then help it develop through "phases," from microscopic ogranism, to individual creature, to tribal, etc. all the way up to space-faring and world conquering.

I haven't really given any serious thought to what kind of creatures I will be making, but I know that they will be at least penultimate in awesomeness. I've had a lot of experience with the theory behind alien making, via my friend Andrea. She took a class last semester with the aim of creating an alien that could survive under certain environmental conditions determined by the professor. At the end of the class, all the aliens "duked it out" so to speak, and some bullshit electric crab-type alien won.

Let me just say, I have learned my lesson from that. Check it out: I came up with this in about 14 seconds, and it probably would have knocked the socks off of the electric thing.

Here's a picture - I call it the Death Metaloid. I know, I know, it looks like a germ or an amoeba or something. Well, that's because it kind of is, but it's at least 50 times the size of a normal amoeba. And it's the ultimate predator. First off, it has some nasty little hair-things that could be barbs sticking out of its sides. Those are poison - you touch those, you die. Second, it's immune to electricity, so f#$@ you electric crab. Third, it cannot be killed unless all of its matter is vaporized at the same time. If you destroy part of it, it regenerates. Like right away. It is also immune to disease, because germs don't get sick, they inflict sickness. Now all that wouldn't be so bad if it lived at the bottom of the ocean or had to slither along the ground like some sort of pathetic ooze, but this thing can survive wherever there is oxygen present - on land or in the sea. It also can teleport. You see that purple organelle in its core? That's a teleporter orb. So it can and will catch you. Don't you worry about it not having any eyes or sensory organs - it can detect fear. And if you're not afraid of these things, then you're crazy and have big enough problems. It's also very smart and can read your mind. Off the top of my head, I'd say the only ways to get rid of one of these bad boys is to nuke it or blast it off into space. But you can't think about doing so before you actually do it, or else it will read your mind and kill you.
So there you have it. I'm fairly certain the Death Metaloid would kick the crap out of just about any other aliens out there, especially pathetic electrical ones. Now I only hope Spore will give me the freedom I need to create my masterpieces...


Ben said...

Your computer will die first. And then i shall win

Blue Shoe said...

I will send a Death Metaloid after you.